I am not sure that any of you quite know the extent of the change that has come over my mental state in the past day, or perhaps it's the past week and the past day has just been the... culmination of that change.

The past two months, indeed, the past eight months (since I graduated) could be summed up this way: They were a slow, continuous descent into depression and despair. The combination of suddenly not having something that has been a steady part of my life for five years be there, slowly getting more into a state of "brokeness" financially, not being sure on the direction of my future, and especially, not feeling like I should be at my church anymore drove me deeper and deeper into this state. And the move back to my parents was sort of the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

Of course, this move is also what initiated the change for good. It gave me a viable reason to quit the church, and I couldn't say that it wasn't what God would have me do (coming from the free-will side of my mind, not the free-grace side, of course, the two are still battling it out) because He made me broke in the first place (and there's the free-grace, God totally in control side coming back). It's also what allowed me to pull up roots and be totally mobile, ready to go wherever I could on a moment's notice. Of course, at the time that I moved home I saw no immediate way out, and became all the more hopeless and depressed at my situation, and the new $50 a month bill for student loan repayment that started up in January didn't help matters any. Neither did the constant going on about the sorry state of the job market from any and all news media sources (American, at least).

But now things have changed, again. Since I was free to go wherever I pleased and my sister got her house and moved out of the bedroom at my grandmother's house I had the option to move into said room. I knew this was an option but in the depressed and hopeless state of despair I was in I didn't really realize how easily I could do this and how immediately it could be done, so I had planned a short one week trip to visit my sister and see the opera. It wasn't until my mom mentioned that I could move here on said trip that I realized that I most certainly could do this. And so I have.

And so I return to a place of civilization with operas, a symphony, choirs, countless other classical performances I may attend, clubs, bars, coffeeshops, and cafés with live music, and all the other wonderful things that come with such a place. No more rednecks whose entertainment involves highschool football, hunting, and burning crosses.

And I just know that when I start looking for a job next week a dozen places will want me. Ok, maybe that's getting my hopes up a little too much, but that's just a side-effect of the change that has come over my mental state in the past week or so.

Also it's great to be near my sister again. I don't know how she feels about it but I believe she is almost as excited to have me near again. For pretty much all the years from highschool until now Becca has been my best friend and I have been close to her, able to hang out whenever we wanted. But then for the past seven months or so she lived nine hours from me in Augusta, making friends and having fun, while all my friends were graduating and moving away and I was unemployed. Now I'm near her again (and she's made friends, I'll just hook up with those friends and not have to do all the hard work! I did it for her in college now she does it for me, I guess!) And it's good.

It's also nice to be spending time with my grandmother some (even if she does scare me on the road, she almost ran a red-light tonight. Mom said she did run it when they (She, my sister, and the twins) went to see the Nutcracker. I imagine it was the same light... Almost got rear-ended by a bus tonight when she slammed on brakes after Becca made her aware of it. I was just going to let her run it as there was no one coming and there was a very large bus behind us... You always take your life into your own hands when you ride with my grandmother) and being able to go to things like the opera with her.

So, things are better for me, and I am in a much better mental state than I have been in for at least eight months, and really, the depression started to set in probably two months before graduation, as I realized what would happen upon graduation. Now I need to find a job and figure out some more concrete plans for graduate studies.

To everyone who has been praying for me for the past eight or nine months, I thank you very much and know that your prayers have helped me to survive the dark times, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as the dark times are not over, there is just more hope for me at this time. I still need a job and direction for graduate work, though, so prayers with that would be appreciated. And prayers that I survive my grandmother's driving when I can't talk her into letting me drive, and her eccentricies (a word which I apparently made up, as it is not in Webster) while I am living with her. I love my grandmother, but as most of you know I am odd and it's apparently a genetic trait that was passed to me from both sides of the family, and it comes out in different ways in each person.
- posted by Nick @ 1/30/2004 02:46:00 AM | 0 comments